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The Last Day 

at 

Mud Hollow School 

A Burlesque 

By 
ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL 



Price 25 Cents 



All Riyhts Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted 




265 West 36th Street, New York 14 W. Washington Street, Chicago 

Copyright 1914, Bo Tultur-Meredith Co. 
International Copyright Secured 



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THP96-JG7J64 



JUN26I915 ©GIA406457 



Characters 



Miss Arabella Pinkham — the Teacher. 

Evalina Margarita Gwendolyn Smythe ] 

Dorcas Ann Ransome L r> 1 s , * ,, 

Josiah Joel Joseph Jones \ Pu ^ ls f rom ^ to l6 ^ ears old 

Fritz Van Hummel ) 

Mehitable Mercy Matilda Jones \ 

Maria Nancy Bascom f n •? r i 

Terence O'Hara O'Connor O'Donnell f Pu ^ ls f rom I0 to I2 V"™ 

Dandelion Blossom ) 

Ellowina Roberta Evangeline Smythe \ 

Honora Bridget Mary O'Donnell / 

Katrinka Van Hummel > Pupils y to g years 

Calla Lily Blossom I 

William Adolphus West J 

Reginald Algernon DeMontmorency Smythe 1 

Polly Jane Jenkins Jones > Pupils of 5 or 6 years 

Lydia Jane Brown ) 

Mrs. West — Willie's Mother 

Hanna Ann Brown — Lyddy's big sister 

Mr. Jacob Benway — the Supervisor, who has money in the bank 

Mrs. Smythe — from the City 

Mrs. Blossom — a "Cullud Lady" 

Mrs. Van Hummel — of Dutch extraction 

Mrs. O'Donnell — from the Emerald Isle 

Miss Ketchem — an Old Maid 

Mr. Ruben Ransome — the "Committee Man" 

Mr. Hank Jenkins — Miss Hanna Ann Brown's Fiancee 



Costumes and Properties 



The children should be dressed in accordance with their characters, wearing 
their "best clothes." 

The Smythes are dressed rather elaborately ; Blossoms gaudily ; Van Hummels 
in full Dutch breeches and skirts; country children plainly — boys in shirts and 
overalls, girls in calico or gingham aprons. 

Irish and Darkey children wear stiffly starched clothing; Calla Lily's many 
tiny braids are tied with bright ribbons of various colors. Choose dark eyed 
children for darkies, using burnt cork. Dan may have a wig, if preferred; if 
Calla Lily has rather short, dark hair, it will look all right when braided and 
tied. Fritz has light hair, rather long, and] Katrinka has two long, light 
braids. The Irish children have red or brown hair. Evalina and Ellowina 
have long curls, made over curling iron. Ellowina's may be "Dutch cut" 
instead, with a very large bow. Choose boy with long curls or "Dutch cut" 
for Reginald. Dress visitors in accordance with parts taken. The Teacher 
should be stylishly dressed. 

A desk for the teacher, with a chair or two, settees for visitors and seats and 
desks for the children are all that is required. 

Train children carefully in speaking in dialect. They can be a year or two 
older than given ages. 

Play may be given entirely by grown-ups, those impersonating pupils dressed 
accordingly. This will be more laughable. 

This may be prolonged by encores, or any specialties. Other recitations or 
songs may be used instead of those given. 



The 
Last Day at Mud Hollow School 

(Scene: The Schoolroom, decorated with wild floivers. A settee is provided for 
the company and an extra chair in front for the supervisor. The children are 
dressed in their best, of course, and this may be made as funny as is\desirable. 
The curtain rises on the room with all in place, buzzing loudly. All come to 
order at tap of bell.) 

Miss P. We are very glad to see you all at our closing exhibition, and hope 

you will be pleased with what you hear and see. 
Hank. I be. 
Hannah (with a dig of her elbow). You shet up, Hank Jenkins. You've no 

business to be pleased. They aint none of the young 'uns yourn, nor the 

teacher aint, nuther. 
Miss P. Children, we will sing for our visitors, first. We will sing "My 

Country, Tis of Thee." 

(She sounds the pitch by means of a tuning fork, and the children sing, first 
standing, as she taps the bell. They sing with great vim, and elaborate gestures.) 
Reuben Ransome. Very good. Ve-ry good. 
Mrs. O'Donnell. So patteryotic. 

Mrs. Smythe. Yes, indeed. There is no song like America to infuse patriot- 
ism into the tender hearts and minds of our offspring. 
Miss P. Shall we have the pieces next, Mr. Benway, or will you examine 

the classes? 
Mr. Benway. I will examine the classes, if you please. 
Mr. Ransome. Yas, Jake, so dew. We want tew know whether aour boys 

and gals air a larnin' of anything, or no. Also, we want tew know haow 

good a sewpervisor we've got. Fire away, Jake. 
Mr. Benway. Call your first class, please, Miss Pinkham. I know how well 

they do, having been a constant visitor, but we want the pairents to know 

likewise. 
Miss P. First class. 

(She calls all classes by bell taps, and they obey fairly well.) 
Mrs. Blossom (while class passes out). Reckon he has been a constan' vis'tah. 

Been in two free times a week, makin' eyes at her. 
Mrs. Smythe. It isn't her he is interested in, but the progress of my eldest 

daughter. 
Mrs. Blossom. Den why don't he kiss yo' Eberleeny 'stead ob kissin' de 

teachah? My Calla Lily she seed him t'other night. 
Mrs. Smythe. The very idearr! 
Mr. Benway. I will hear you read, first. Remember the careful drills given 

you by your excellent teacher, and read as nicely as you can. Page two 

hundred and thirteen. 
(Class turn pages noisily. Choose any well-known poem from a fifth reader of 
thirty years ago. If enough old readers are not available, copy the poem, and 
insert it in any book.) 

Mr. Benway. Miss Evalina may commence. 
Evalina (rising). Page, two hundred thirteen. Lesson forty-four. Subject 

(name of chosen poem). Author (give author's name). Stanza first. 
(She gives each item deliberately, then with a little "h'm" begins to read first 
stanza. She puts on a good many airs, rolls her "r's" and shows off generally.) 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Mr. Benway. Excellent! Excellent, Miss Evalina. You do your teacher 
great credit. Joe. 

(Joe rises and reads second stanza, haltingly. He mispronounces many words, 

gives all a back-country sound.) 

Mr. Benway. You must try harder, Joe, or the girls will get the best of you. 

Joe. H'm! I ain't no widdy man. You best look aout, yerself, Jake Ben- 
way. There's Mis' West, an' Mis' Smith, an' old maid Ketchurn an' the 
teacher, all got ther eyes on you. You'd better look out. 

Fritz. I pets on der deacher. 

Miss Ketchurn. Call that boy to order, Miss Pinkham. 

Miss P. Be quiet, boys. Dorcas Ann may read. 

(Dorcas Ann rises, and reads the third stanza, in a crisp, emphatic way.) 

Mr. Benway. Very good, very good, indeed. Now Fritz. 

{Fritz rises and reads the fourth stanza in Dutch dialect.) 

Mr. Benway. Very good, considering. 

Mrs. O'Donnell. Sure, an' I couldn't make out a worrud of it, at all, at all, 
the haythin! 

Mrs. Van Hummel {nodding at her). Ya, mine Vritz he read pooty vine 
aretty. He vill a great sgolar pe. 

(7/ the poem has more than four verses, let them read in turn to the end.) 

Mr. Ben way. You read very well. I will not ask you to spell, as the great 
test will come at the spelling school next week, when we hope tew spell 
down the Skeeter Corner Skewl. Remember, if the prize is won by this 
deestrick, I'll double it. Arithmetic next. Miss Evalina, you may go to 
the board, and find the amount of one hundred thousand dollars for one 
year, at compound interest, compounded quarterly, at four per cent. 

Evalina. If you please, Mr. Benway, I would like to be excused from ad- 
vancing upon the blackboard when robed in my finest garments. Chalk 
is injurious to them. Besides, I know the answer. 

Mr. Benway. Well, give the answer, if you can do it in your head. 

Evalina. I didn't. I did it on paper, for Mamma. The answer is one hun- 
dred four thousand and sixty dollars, and forty cents — if you're a widower 
gentleman. 

Mr. Benway. What has that to do with it? 

Evalina. If you're married, the answer is one hundred thousand dollars. 

Mr. Benway. They do not ask at the bank, my girl, whether a man is mar- 
ried or single. 

Evalina. No sir, but if you were married, your wife would take out that 
thousand dollars interest every quarter, to spend. Mamma said so. 

Mr. Benioay. Indeed, would she? 

Miss P. Mr. Benway's money would still be his own, Evalina, in any case. 

Airs. Smythe. Hear the smooth-tongued school teacher! She wouldn't use 
any of it, of course. Oh, no! 

Mrs. West. He should wed some one with a competence of her own, I should 
think. 

Miss Ketchurn. Yes, soshould I think so, but that aint you. He won't wed 
no widders, you mark my words. 

Mrs. West. Nor old maids. 

Miss Ketchurn. Who's an old maid? 

Hannah. The teacher. Stop staring at her as if you wanted to eat her, 
Hank Jenkins. 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

{Gives him a dig in the ribs.) 

Hank. Wal, she looks pooty enough to eat. 

Mr. Benway. Joe, if you had a hundred acre lot — 

Joe. But I haint, not yit. 

Mr. Benway. And you gave one quarter to your sister Hitty, and one eighth 

to your sister Polly, how many acres would you have left? 
Joe. A hundred. 

Mr. Benway. Oh no, Joe, try again. 
Joe. Don't need ter try agin. I'd hev a hundred acres left, 'cause I shouldn't 

do no sech dividin'. What you s'pose I've kep a comin' to skewl fer, arter 

Granny Baker died, ef 'twarn't to keep them pesky gals fum gittin' my 

prop'ty? I shan't dew no sharin' with nobuddy, thet's flat. 
Miss P. He only wants to see if you can do the example, Joe. 
Joe. No marm, I can't do on sech example. I know the answer I'd give 

the pesky gals every straight time. 
Mr. Ransome. Thet's right, Joe. Yew stick tew thet. Never yew let the 

wimmen folkses git the best o' yew. ''Hold fast thet you can git" is my 

motter. 
Mr. Benway. Dorcas Ann, what is interest? 

Dorcas Ann (hesitatingly). Interest — interest is — is — interest is interes/ing. 
Mr. Benway. It certainly is; but I would like a definition. (Evalina waves 

hand.) Well, can you give it, Evalina? 
Evalina. Interest is that which an unmarried female of marriageable age 

takes in an eligible man. 
Hank. Haw, haw, haw! Pretty good. She's got it down pat for a gal of 

uncertain age, haint she, Harnah? 
Hannah. Shet up, Hank Jenkins. She didn't get it right. 
Hank. Didn't she, though? 
Mr. Ransome. Pass it along to the boy, Jake. 
Mr. Benway. Fritz, do you know what interest is? 
Fritz. Yah, I do know that aretty. It is vot you dake in our new sgool- 

deacher. You zed id vos, last veek, ven you holt her hand after sgool 

vos led out. 

Hank. Good for you, Dutchy. Here's a copper for you. (Tosses him one.) 

Mr. Benway. Joe, do you know what interest is? 

Joe. You kin jest bet your bottom dollar thet I dew. Interest is the money 
they gin yew at the bank if you keep your check book in your hip pocket, 
and watch the wimmin. It's money paid for the use of money, but the 
wimmin never pay it. 

Mr. Ransome. I'm surprised thet a grandchild of mine doesn't know what 

interest is. 
Dorcas Ann. Well, why should I, Grandsir, when I never see any money. 

Start a bank book for me, and I'll learn. 

Mr. Ransome. By hemlock, I will. 'T'll all come tew you some day, for 
I'm no fool to git married twice. No excuse for being roped in the second 
time, when you've cut your wisdom teeth. Fust time, a man don't know 
no better. From now on, Dorcas Ann, you'll own a bank book, but don't 
think fur a minute thet you're a goin' tew handle any of thet money while 
I live. Your interest will stay and pile up, as it oughter. 

Mrs. Smythe. She'll make it fly, some day. 



8 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Mr. Ransome. She might if she was a Smith, but she's a Ransome. They're 
all prudent; it's in the blood, ma'am. 

Mrs. Smythe. My name is Smythe, if you please, not Smith. Smith is a 
low, vulgar cognomen, unworthy to be included in the nomenclature of 
the elegant intricacies of the rosy rhetoric of our elaborate English lan- 
guage. 

Mr. Ransome. I don't understand all them fine words, marm, and I'm blessed 
if I believe you do, but your husband was Johnny Smith when he lived 
here, and I don't believe livin' in the city ever made him into a Smythe. 

Mrs. Smythe. The idearrr! 

Mr. Benivay. Don't talk so much back thar. I'm a-hearin' this class. Eva- 
lina, what's a fraction? 

Evalina. No part. 

Mr. Benway. No part? What do you mean? What makes you think that's 
the answer? 

Evalina. Mamma said so. 

Mrs. Smythe. Why, Evalina, I never ventriloquated such an arithmetical 
solution in all the thirty years of my life. 

Hank. Thirty! H'm! Nigher fifty. 

Evalina. You did, Mamma. You said if Miss Pinkham was a fraction of a 
lady, she's stop flirting so disgracefully with Mr. Benway, and when I 
inquired the meaning of that, you said she was no part of a lady. 

Mrs. Blossom. Don' yer fling roun' too many pussonalities, chile. Let de 
teachah be. 

Fritz. I knows vot a vraction be, aretty. It vos a biece or pieces out of 
der whole of anyding vot aint whole aretty, aint it. You writes him in 
dwo stories, mit a vloor betwixt dem. Der lower sdory shows how many 
dere vos ov him, and der ubber sdory shows how many pieces you git out 
of him. Iv you vos a fraction, Mr. Zubervizor, maybe der vimmin vould 
divide, und not make oogly eyes at von annodder. 

Mr. Benway. That's enough of this class. Take your seats. Next class! 
(They come forward.) You may recite in Geography. Maria, what is 
Geography? 

Maria. A big book. 

Mr. Benway. To be sure; but what does it treat of? 

Maria. Nawthin'. 

Mr. Benway. Oh yes, it does. Think again. 

Maria (beginning to snuffle). It don't either. Mine never did. 

Dan. Nor mine nebbah, needah. Deed it nebbah did, sah. 

Mr. Benway. Next boy. 

Terry. Shuro, an' I'm thinkin' thet it's the wrong kind of Geographies we 
do be havin'. Maybe yours used to trate, Mr. Binway, bat sorra a bit 
do ours do it, at all, at all. Niver so much as a lollipop, or a hunk of gum 
have thim measly Geographies iver trated us to, bedad, since furst we 
got thim, bad 'cess to thim!' 

Hitty. The book says it treats the earth and the destruction thereof. 

Miss P. Structure, you mean, Hitty. 

Hitty. Yes'm. That's what I said. 

Terry. Sure, an' what does it treat the earth to? 

Hitty. I dunno. 

Terry. Naythur do I, bedad. 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 9 

Mr. Lanway. What is the earth? 

Terry. Land an' wather an' mud an' rocks an' trees an' bushes an' houses 

an' hills — 
Mr. Benway. There, there, boy! That's enough. That is what it consists 

of; but what is it? 
Terry. Sure an' it's all thim things an' a lot more. 
Mr. Benway. Dan, what is the earth? 
Dan. A monst'ous football, a-spinnin' itse'f along on nuffin'. It goes roun' 

an' roun' like a crazy crittah, dat-a-way. (He whirls his fist round swiftly, 

at the same time describing a large circle in the air.) Fust yo' see ole Massa 

Sun, and den yo' see ole Mis' Moon, and dat make day an' night; an' 

de big cuhcle, dat make — dat make— (scratches head). Now what do dat 

make? Dat make a yeah, caze it takes a yeah to do dat-all. 
Mr. Benway. Very good. Next, Maria, into what is it divided? 
Maria. Land and sea. 
Mr. Benway. How much of each? 
Maria. I dunno. My book never said. 
Mr. Benway. But what part is land? 
Maria. The — the outside. 
Mr. Benway. There, there, don't begin to cry again. What fraction, I 

mean? 
Maria. I dunno. 
Terry. Sure an' I know. It's a quarter land, and the rist water, and bedad, 

I b'lave I know what makes so much more wet. It's because Maria cries 

fo many tears she overflows it. 
Mrs. O'Donnell. Sure an' the bye is right. The little spalpeen yells ivery 

blissid minute. 
Maria (sobbing). If my Ma hadn't stayed — home — with the baby, y-y-ou 

wouldn't a made -f-fun o' me. I'm a goin' to -to -t-t-tell her, I am. 
Mr. Benivay. What is a lake? 
Terry. Sometimes it's a big puddle, an' sometimes it's a hole in the tay- 

kittle. 
Mr. Benivay. What is a mountain? 
Dan. When de Ian' hump itse'f — so! (holds his hands to form a point). A 

li'l mounting am a hill, an' de low Ian' atween 'em am a valley. 

Mr. Benway. What's a plateau? 

Dan. A plattah? Somefin' to hole de fried po'k an' aigs. 

Hitty. The book says it's a high plain, and a plain's a flat place, so a pla- 
teau must be a flat mounting. 

Mr. Benway. What's a river? 

Terry. Some water that lays in its bed, but won't kape still. Sure it's al- 
ways a runnin' away by itself, an' yit it's always there, jist the same as iver. 
It has a bank on aither side of itself, an' the place where it begins is its 
sauce,_ an' where it impties itself is its mouth, but it's a paceable thing, 
and niver answers back, because its sauce is so far from the mouth of it. 
It has branches, jist for all the worruld loike a tree, and it always runs 
down hill, bedad, but a founting runs up hill. 

Mr. Benway. A very good definition. Dan, what is a gulf or bay? 

Dan. A gulf am when yo' swaller hard, an' a bay am what de houn' dogs 
do when dey bark. 



10 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Terry. A gulf or bay is a bite out of the saycoast, where the wather comes 
up. 

Mr. Benway. You have a very vivid way of describing things, my boy. 
You'll be an editor some day. 

Hitty. My book says it's an indenteration in the coast line. 

Mr. Benway. Just so. Maria, what are the poles? 

Maria. What you go a-fishin' with. 

Mr. Benway. No. Next. 

Dan. What de men folkses vote at. 

Mr. Benway. No, no. Next. 

Terry. Thim pisky furriners. 

Mr. Benway. No, no. Hitty. 

Hitty. Axe handles. 

Mr. Benway. Think a minute. Can none of you tell what the poles are? 

Hitty. North Pole and South Pole; but they are axe handles. My book 

says so. 
Mr. Benway. Oh, I think not. 
Hitty. It does too. It says the earth turns on its axes, and the ends of the 

axes are called poles, and the end of an axe is the handle. 
Mr. Benway. Axis, you mean, my dear. 
Hitty. I said axes. 
Mr. Ransome. She sartinly did, Jake. She's in the right on't. 

Mr. Benway. That will do, class. Next class. (Next class comes out.) You 
may read on page twenty. (Find places noisily.) Katrinka, you may 
begin. 
Katrinka. Bage dwendy. Lesson vourdeen. Zubject, Gitty und Mouzie. 
Verze one. 

Wince dere vos a leedle gitty, 

Vite as der znow. 
Een der parn he uzed do vrolic, 
Long dime ergo. 
Mr. Benway. Very good. Nora. 
Nora. (Hangs her head and reads low.) 
In the barrun a little mousie 

Ran to and fro, 
For she hearrd the little kitty 
Long time ago. 
Mr. Benway. Read it again, louder. 
Mrs. O'Donnell. Shpake up, colleen, and hould up the hid of yer. Mither 

wants to hear. 
(Nora repeats the stanza, louder, with a decided brogue.) 
Mrs. O'Donnell. Will done, me gurrul. Shure an' thot will plaze ye, Jake 

Binway. 
Mr. Benway. Very good, that time. Ellowina, you may read the next 

verse. 
Ellowina. Two bl-ack eyes had little kitty, 
Bl-ack as a cr-row. 
And they spied the little mousie! 
L-long time ago. 
(She puts on airs as she reads. The first two lines she reads tragically, the third 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 11 

triumphantly, on a high key, with the "spied" strongly emphatic. The last 
line she drags out as slowly as possible.) 

Mrs. Smythe. Ellowina elocutes beautiferously. I shall have her educated 

for an actress — a star! 
Mr. Benivay. Exceedingly well read, my dear. Calla Lily, you may read 

next. 
Calla Lily. De fo'th vuss? 
Mr. Benivay. Certainly. 

Calla Lily. Fo' sof pawses had li'l kitty, 
Pawses sof as snow; 
An' dey cotched de li'l mousie, 
Long time 'go. 
Mr. Benway. Very good, my dear, but you should say caught, not "cotch- 
ed." 
Mrs. Blossom. Cotched is de right word. "Cot" don' mean nuffin. 
Mr. Benway. Now Willie, the fifth verse. 

Willie. Nine pearl teeth had little kitty, 

All in a row, 
And they bit the little mousie, 

Long time ago. 
(He reads it as fast as possible, without a slop.) 
Mr. Benivay. Slower, boy, slower. Try again. 

(Willie reads it again. This time he makes a stop between every two syllables, 
jerking them out, loudly.) 

Mr. Benway. Not much better, my boy. You may read the last verse in 
concert. 

All. When the teeth bit little mousie, 
Mousie cried out "Oh!" 
But she ran away from kitty, 
Long time ago. 

(Each reads in her own particular dialect or manner. Of course they do not 
keep together.) 

Mr. Benway. That isn't reading in concert. You did not keep together. 
You'll have to try again. 

Mr. Ransome. Oh, come naow, Jake, thet's tew much! Bet they hain't ary 
five grownups in this ere taownship thet could read thet vuss, an' keep 
tergether. Taint in reason ter spect sech a thing. Thet will dew, class. 

Mr. Benway. Yes, that will do. (Class goes to seat.) I think it would hardly 
be edifying to listen to the ABC class, so we will proceed to the exherbi- 
tion. Have you a program, Miss Pinkham? 

Miss P. Certainly. (Hands him a sheet of paper.) 

Mr. Benway. First we will listen to a greeting by Master Reginald Alger- 
non De Montmorency Smythe. (He reads the full name of each child as 
impressively as possible.) 

(Reginald looks down and scowls, but makes no move towards Mr. Benway.) 

Mr. Benway. Reggie, didn't you hear your name called? 

Reginald. Was that my name? There was so much of it, I forgot the first 

before you got through. 
Mrs. Smythe. Go speak your piece, Reginald dear. 
Reginald (going slowly forward) . Wish my name was Tom. 



12 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Mrs. Smythe. It is so intensely discouraging, when I bestowed upon my 
only son the most mellifluously flowing, euphomious, high sounding appel- 
lation I could find, to have him so boorish as to detest it. 

Mr. Ransome. Ah, he's Johnny Smith's own boy. Say, Tom, I'll gin ye a 
copper arter school. 

(Reginald, who has stood in the floor, scowling, now makes a cross little bow, 

and begins.) 

Reginald. Dear friends, we're sorry you have come 
To stare at us today. 
We hope you'll hate it all so bad 
Next time you'll stay away. 

(Runs to seat.) 

Miss P. Why Reginald! That wasn't your piece, at all! Where did you 

get it? 
Reginald. Willie. 
Mrs. West. The idea! As if my Willie would make a verse like that, even 

if he could! Stand up, Willie darling, and tell your teacher you didn't. 
Wille. I didn't. That is, I didn't make it. I taught it to Reg, though. 
Mrs. Smythe. Reginald, go right back and speak your piece properly. 
Reginald. Said it the way I meant it, this time. (Goes out again; recites.) 
Dear friends, I think you're all a sight 

Rigged in your best today. 
I got a new collar. It scratches my neck 
So I can't think of nothin' to say. 
(Runs to seat.) 

Mrs. Smythe. Reginald, if you don't speak that piece correctly, I shall ad- 
minister summary chastisement. 
Reginald (as she starts toward him). I will Mamma, I will! (Runs out and 
speaks again.) 

Dear friends, Miss Pinkham's awful glad 

Jake Benway's here today. 
She's so busy making eyes at him. 
She won't know what we say. 

Mr. Benway. See here, boy, how many more ways can you say that? 
Reginald. Three more beside the right one. 

Mr. Benway. Wal, you needn't. Next, a song, "The Pickaninny's Lull- 
aby," by Miss Calla Lily Blossom. 

Calla Lily advances, with a black rag doll, to which she sings any suitable darky 
lullaby. There are plenty of these to be found. She sings it well, in dialect, 
of course, tending the baby as she sings. If desired, she may have a little rock- 
ing chair, which the teacher brings from off the stage. This number will be very 
cute, if given by a good little singer. If encored, she returns and recites:) 

Hesh! 1 Don' cry caze dey clap us back! 

Dey 2 aint mad, now dat's a fac'. 

Hesh! 3 Boogah 4 man'll git yo' ! Dat's 5 right now. 

Wipe 6 yo' eyes, an' make dem a bow. 

Go 8 'way, Boogah man! Shet yo' haid! 

Dis' 9 pickaninny's gwine straight to bed. 

Motions. (1, cuddle doll, and pat her. 2, Look earnestly into doll's face. 3, Shake 
doll. 4, Holds doll out, shakes finger at her. 5, Brings doll near. 6, Make doll 
wipe its eyes. 7, Holds doll toward audience, and makes her bow. 8, Cuddle 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 13 

doll close on left arm, wave "boogah man" away with right hand. 9, Takes 
doll over shoulder, goes to seat.) 

Mrs. Blossom. Didn't dat bressed chile do well? Dey clapped her back, 

dey did. 
Mr. Benway. Very good, very good, indeed. Next, we will listen to a reci- 
tation, entitled, "Little White Lily," by Miss Maria Nancy Bascom. 
(Maria does not stir.) Come, Maria! 
Maria. I don't wanter. 

Miss P. Oh yes, you do. Come out and speak it, nicely. 
Maria (sniffing). I've furgot it. 
ilf r. Benway. Miss Pinkham, make that child come out here and speak her 

piece. 
Miss P. Certainly. Now Maria, come, or I shall come after you. 
Maria. Don't wanter. 
(Miss P. leads her out by force.) 

Miss P. Now speak it. (No answer.) Little White Lily, 
Maria (snuffling as she speaks). 

Little white lily, sat — by a stone, 
Drooping and — waiting, till — till — till- 
Miss P. The sun, 
Maria. Till the sun shone. 

Little white lily — I furgit. 
Miss P. Sunshine, 
Maria. Sunshine has fed, oh dear! 

L-1-little wh-wh-white lily is — is — is- 
Miss P. Lifting. 

Maria. L-1-lifting her head! (Ends in a scream.) 
Mr. Benway. Go on. 

Maria. I-I-d-d-d-don't wanter! They're all a-a-1-l-looking at me! Stop it! 
(She buries her face in her apron and cries loudly.) 
Mr. Ransoms. There, get to your seat, M'ria, for the land's sake. We 

haint a-goin' to eat ye. 
(Maria does so.) 

Hank. I naver saw sech a bawlbaby in all my life as that ere M'ria Bascom. 
Hannah. I wish Mis' Bascom was here. She's straighten her out! Give 

her somep'n to yell about, ef she war mine! 
Mrs. Blossom. No dangah ob dey callin' dat li'l gal back. 
Mr. Benway. Next, we will hear a recitation, called "Mother," by Master 

Fritz Van Hummel. 
Mrs. Smyths. Ah, I love to hear the young offspring properly appreciate 

the maternal parent, and give abundant tribute to her memorial! 
Mr. Ramsome. Haul in yer horns, and let the Dutch boy speak his piece. 
Fritz. I uzed to go to zee her, mine brecious leedle Bearl, 

Her mutter vos a vidder, mit chust von charming gurl. 
Her mutter alvays met me at der door, mit smiling look, 
And made me sday to zupper. She vos a dandy gook ! 

Vot choy to guide an automobubble, mit Bearl in der donneau! 
Of gourse, her mutter went, alzo, vor zhappyrone, you know. 
Vot pliss, upon der rifer to sofly, smootly vloat, 
Mit Bearl, mine own adored von, and mutter, in der poat! 



14 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

'Tvos ereat to dance cler dango, mit Bearl, mine vairest pet, 
But mutter, she vos dance him, too, zo I asg her, too, you pet! 
'Tvos vine to sgate mit Bearlie, and hold her leedle hand, 
But mutter, oh mine gootness! She sgate, too, to beat der band! 

Von night I vos gone gourting, mine mind made up, you know, 
To bop der guestion, bang! dot night, I lofe mine tarling so! 
And now? Veil, now I'm marriet, dough nixie I knows how, 
Vor it vos mutter marriet me! Bearl galls me "Fader" now! 

Hank. Pretty good, that. Look out for your mother, Everleeny, when 

beaux begin to come your way. 
Mrs. Smythe. I think it was extremely, artroci-ously vulgar! 
Mrs. Van Hummel (nodding at her). Yah, I dinks him pretty vino, rrjir: -- 

selluf, aretty. 
Hank (clapping loudly). Come back, Dutchy, and say another. 
Fritz. I didn't learn me anudder, gauze vy, I didn't been had der dime, ven 

I got him so I gould zay him mitout butting any aretty's in vere day didn't 

ought to vos, Chee! It vos hard work! 
(If desired, he may come back, instead of saying this, and repeat any piece in 
Dutch dialect.) 
Mr. Benway. Next, we will listen to music by the orchestry. 

(The orchestra, consisting of Joe, Fritz, Dan, Terry, Evalina, Dorcas Ann, 
and Hitty, come forward. Joe has a jewsharp; Fritz, a drum; Dan, "the 
bones"; Evalina, a harmonica; Hitty, a triangle; Dorcas Ann, a comb; and 
Terry puts his hands in his pockets, and whistles. They play any old piece, 
such as 'Old Zip Coon,'" or "Ole Dan Tucker." Of course, the "band instru- 
ments" may be distributed differently to suit the capabilities of the performers, 
but Dan must have u de bones.") 
Mr. Benway. Next, we will be pleased to hear a recitation, entitled, "Little 

Star," by Miss Lyddy Jane Brown. 
Hank. Guess we will. 

(Lyddy hesitates, and looks at Hank, then at Hannah.) 
Hannah. Go on, Lyddy Jane. 

Hank. Yes, go on and whoop her up, Lyddy, just like you did for me. Re- 
member what I promised ye. 
(Lyddy goes out, bows, giggles, then recites. She lisps, but speaks well otherwise.) 

Lyddy. Any girl that getth a kith, 

And ninth and tellth her mother, 
Ought to live to be an old maid, 
And never get another. 

Hannah. The idea! You've been a-learnin' her that, Hank Jenkin3. 

Hank. Wal, I did hear her rehearse a few times. 

Miss P. Say your piece correctly, Lyddy. 

Hank. Oh, yes, that's the wrong one, Lyddy. Say the other. 

(Lyddy giggles again, then recites.) 

Don't kith your girl before her mother, 

'Tithn't nith to do. 

Wait till you get her in the dark, 

Then kith and hug her, too. 
Miss P. That isn't right, Lyddy. Say, "Twinkle, twinkle, little star." 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 15 

Lyddy. Hank thaid it wath right. He thaid that wath the way he alwayth 
did. 

Mr. Benway. Pretty good, pretty good! I cal'late it is the way he does. 

Lyddy. He thaid it wath the way you did, when you went to thee the teatther. 

Mr. Ransome. Haw, haw, haw! One on you, Jake! 

Mrs. Smythe. The impertinent little minx! 

Mrs. West. But if Mr. Jenkins told her to, she's too young to know better. 

Miss Ketchum. So's your Willie Darling, I suppose, when he cuts up shines. 

She needs a good trouncing. 
Hannah. And she'll git it, if she don't speak that piece. 
Lyddy. I can't. The retht of you talk tho mutth. 
Hank. Fire ahead, Lyddy, and give them their little star, if they like that 

better than my poor poetry. Pretty good, I called it. 
Miss P. Yes, speak it pretty, now, and put in your gestures. 
Lyddy. Twinkel, 1 twinkel, little thtar, 

You're 2 an old maid, that' thwhat 3 you are! 
Peekin' 4 through the cloudth to thee 
Whoth in the hammock, 5 a-thpoonin' with me! 6 
Motions. (1, hands high, move fingers rapidly. 2, point upward, with right 
forefinger. 3, shake fist in same direction. 4, make circle with thumb and fore- 
finger, and peep through. 5, hugs herself. 6, ends with a loud smack, and an 
"oh" in imitation of her sister.) 

Mr. Ransome. (As she takes her seat.) Speak another, Lyddy Jane, do! 
Lyddy. I can't. That'th all I know. Hank didn't teatth me any more. 
Miss P. I should hope not. 
Hannah. You wait till you git home. 
Hank. You let her be, Harner. I gin her a quarter to do it. 
Hannah. Better kept your quarter, and let her behave herself. 
Mr. Benway. Now we will listen to a song, "Grandma's Advice," by Miss 

Evalina Margarita Gwendolyn Smythe. 
Mr. Ransome. By chowder! I never heerd sech starched-up names in all 

my born days as the ones thet's ben tagged onto Johnny Smith's young-uns. 

No wonder he died! Wore his lungs'n throat aout a-trying to call 'em by 

name. (Sees Evalina, who has made an elaborate bow, waiting.) Go on, 

Ewy. Whoop her up. 
Mrs. Smythe. Her name is Evalina. 
Mr. Ransome. Ever leaner! Land sakes, marm, she gets ever fatter, and 

she outgrows her petticuts amazin' fast. 
Miss Ketchum. Scandalous, sech short skirts be! Looks like a ballet dancer. 
Mr. Benway. Miss Smythe will sing if the others will keep quiet. 
(Evalina sings (he old song, "My Grandma lives on yonder little green," or any 
chosen song. She should sing it with many airs. At the close she is encorod, 
and glides back, boivs elaborately, clasps her hands to her breast, says, "Oh, my 
friends, I thank you for this appreciative compillament! " and responds with the 
last verse of the song.) 
Mrs. Smythe. No other child here has the elegant, graceful manners of my 

Evalina. 
Mr. Ransome. I sh'd hope not. 'Twould be a national c'lamity ef 'twas 

ketchin'. 
Mr. Benway. Now we will hear "Casabianca" by Master William Adolphus 

West. 



16 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Willie. The girl stood on the steamboat deck, 
With fire darting round. 
She didn't move, but how she yelled! 
It was a fearful sound. 

"All to the boats!" the captain cried, 
"We cannot stand the heat," 
The maiden wildly shook her head, 
And pointed at her feet. 

"Come, stir your stumps" a sailor said, 
"Or find a fiery grave. 
"I can't! I can't!" she wildly cried, 
"Oh save me, someone! Save!" 

Was it heroism kept her when 
She for the boat should spurt? 
Ah no, 'twas fashion held her tight — 
She wore a hobble skirt! 

(Hank and Mr. Ransome applaud loudly, Mrs. Blossom, Mrs. O'Donnc'.l 

and Mrs. Hummel joining in.) 

Mrs. West. Go back, Willie darling, and speak it again. 

Willie. Don't sell my cabbages twice. 

Mr. Benway. That wasn't quite the way we used to speak it when I was a boy. 

Miss P. It isn't the way I taught it to him, either. I don't know what has 

got into the children today. 
Mr. Ransome. Let 'em be. It's the most interesting exherbishing this ere 

skewl ever gin yet. Say another, Willie. 

Willie. 'Tis springtime. Lo, the farmer 
In overalls and shirt, 
Is busy ploughing, harrowing, 
And digging in the dirt. 

Why does he work so willingly? 
His family to feed? 
To keep them all in shoes and hats 
And dresses? No, indeed! 

It is to feed the browntail moth, 
The gypsy moth, the crow, 
The cutworm and potato bug, 
The farmer labors so. 

Mr. Ransome. Right ye be, Bill, right ye be! That's the best yet! 
Mrs. West. The dear boy will be a great poet some day, I'm sure. 
Hannah. A jail bird, more likely I don't call it smart. I call it contrariness. 
Mr. Ransome. They's others, Harner, they's others. 

Mr. Benway. Next on this most interesting programme is a recitation en- 
titled "Mary's Lamb," to be given by Miss Katrinka Van Hummel. 

Katrinka. {Bobbing a curtesy.) 

Mary had von leedle lamb aretty 
. Mit vleas as vite as der snow vos peen, 
Und eferyvere dot fraulein vent 
Dot leedle lamb he drotted along also. 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 17 

He vollowed hor to sgool zum day — 

It vasn't allowed vor lambs to peen in sgool. 

Dem children day laugh zum more, und blay and choke, 

To zee a leedle vite zheep dere in der sgoolroom. 

Und zo der deacher she make him drot himselluf right oud; 
Put he didn't go home aretty, he vrisked him around, 
And vaggled his leedle vooly dail, and blatted 
Mit all his might, dill Mary she gome out to recess. 

Und den he run to Mary, und he poked 
His nose up in her hand, und licked it all nice und glean, 
Und zay, " I nix did gare vor dat old deacher, zli3 
Von't hurd me any more aretty, ven Mary vos here. 

" Vot makes der lamb so much lof Mary?" 
Der leedle children dey asg dot deacher, ven zhe gum out. 
" Vy, dot leedle lamb, he don't vos know any petter" 
Der deacher zaid; und der lamb he zay "Baa! " 
Hank. So that's the Dutch of " Mary had a little lamb," is it? Good change 

from the English, I say. 
Mr. Ransome. We will now listen to some more music by the orchestra. 
(Orchestra come out, and play any chosen tune. They should have a bit of difficulty 
gelling started.) 
Mr. Benway. Pretty good! Pretty good! I'm very -fond of music, myself. 

My favorite tune is "Yankee Doodle." Can you play that? 
Joe. You bet. Give it to him. (They play it.) 
Mr. Benway. Next, we have a recitation, "The Widow McCarthy's Pig," 

by Master Terence O'Hara O'Conner O'Donnell. 
Mrs. Blossom. Fo' de land's sake, what make dat man keep a-sayin' "O" 

when he call dat boy to speak him piece? 
Mrs. O'Donnell. Sure, and he jist called out the roight name of the bye. 
Thim be good ould Oirish names, ivery wan av thim. Shpake up, Terry, 
me lad. We'll listen. 

Terry. An' is it a shtory ye're want in'? 

Kape shtill, thin, stop dancin' a jig, 
An' Oi'll till yez a tale av Oild Oirland 
An' the Widely McCarthy's pig. 
She lived in a bit av a cabin 
Jist forninst the aidge av the moor, 
Wid a wee bit o' land all around it 
Where the praties grew up to the dure. 

Arrah,' no, choild, she warn't a poor widdy, 
'Twas her own, if it warn't very big; 
And in a noice pin in the corner 
She kept her a bit av a pig. 
Ah, he war a lane little rashcal, 
Wid the sassiest bit av a snout, 
Always a-rootin' and huntin' 
To find him a way to git out. 

Sure he'd root an' he'd root till he found it — 
And he found it most ivery day— 
An' he'd shquaze the lane lingth av him under, 
An' gaily he'd gallop away. 



18 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Wid his nose he would root up the praties — 
Oh, couldn't he jist turn 'em out! 
Jist a toss av the head av him sideways, 
An' a shake av his wicked pink shnout. 

Now the widdy'd a neighbor forninst her, 
An' Dinnis O'Dowd was his name; 
Si^h a jolly gossoon, though not handsome, 
Inat nobody'd found out that same. 
He had curly rid hair, loike a carrot, 
An' the sassiest pug av a nose, 
And frickles as thick as a shpatter 
Of rain on the chake av a rose. 

But he'd always the j oiliest whistle, 

And a shmoile that war roguish an' big, 

An' he'd shmoile in the rain or the sunshine. 

He had even a shmoile for the pig! 

He had both his blue eyes on the widdy, 

But she wouldn't be lookin' at him, 

For she'd vowed that she'd not agin marry, 

But be true to the mim'ry av Jim. 

But whiniver she'd say "No" to Dinnis, 
He'd shmoile his nice shmoile, broad an' big, 
An' say, "Thin I'll ask yez termorror; 
An' now I'll make love to the pig." 
An' thin, wid his hands in his pockets, 
To the pin he would saunter away, 
And he'd wink at the pig; and bedad, now, 
That pig would dig out ivery day. 

Thin Dinnis, the handiest neighbor, 
Had to hilp her to catch him, av coorse, 
So they grew, ivery day, better neighbors; 
But that pig — ivery day he got worse ;_ 
Till at last she said " Yis" to young Dinnis, 
An' made him the gladdest av min; 
For she naded a husband, she tould him, 
For to kape thot woild baste in his pin; 

An' 'twas tired to dith av the runnin' 

To git him to hilp her, she were, 

An' she hoped thot her Jim would forgive her, 

But the pig were too many for her. 

So they had a real Oirish weddin' 

Wid the neighbors all there; and the praste 

Made the pair av thim one, and he blissed thim. 

An' the pig? — Why, he furnished the faste. 

Mr. Ransome. Well said, well said; Mrs. Smith, better buy ye a pig. I've 

got some lively little rooters I'll sell cheap. 
Mrs. Smythe. A pig! The idearrr! 
Mr. Ransome. Wal, mebbe Jake'd come over and fix the pen, ye see. Sell 

ye the liveliest one o' the lot for five dollars. 
Mr. Benway. Next we have a recitation, "June Flowers," by Miss Polly 

Jane Jenkins Jones. {Polly goes out to desk.) 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 19 

Polly. Where's my flowers, Teacher? 

Miss P. (Taking them from a jar on Ihe desk.) Here they are, Polly dear. 

Now speak up nicely. 
Polly. Yes'm. 

Buttercups 1 and daisies, and pretty purple clover! 

In June the fields 2 and meadows are fairly running over. 

I gathered all the nicest ones for Mr. Benway 3 dear, 
Our 4 beloved supervisor, who you see a-sitting here. 

The buttercups 5 are purest gold — that's like our love for you. 
The daisy, 6 with its silver fringe, is golden-hearted, too. 

The pretty 7 purple clover is as sweet as sweet can be, 
It carries honey in its heart — a sweetheart true, you see. 

Pretty 8 flowers of Junetime. Don't 9 they look quite jolly? 
I hope that you'll 10 accept the gift from loving little Polly. 11 

Motions. (1, hold flowers out. 2, sweep hands outward. 3, turn toward 
Mr. Benway. 4< point at him, retain position through line. 5, hold out. one or 
two buttercups. 6, hold out two or three daisies. 7, hold out tiro or three clover 
blossoms. 8, hold flowers against face. 9, hold them out and make them dance. 
10, hold them out toward Mr. Benway. 11, goes up to Mr. Benway and holds 
out flowers.) 
Polly. It's from loving little teacher, really, but that didn't rhyme. Teacher 

picked em, and fixed 'em, and teached me the piece, what she writed herself. 
Mr. Benway. (Taking them.) Indeed, my dear, it was very thoughtful of 

your teacher, and I accept them gladly. I think I must kiss* the rosy little 

lips that said such a nice piece for me. 
Polly. (Putting hand over mouth.) No, I don't like mens to kiss me. Kiss 

teacher. It's her piece and her posies. (Runs to seat.) 
Miss Kelchum. Well, of all the cheek I ever did hear of, to teach the child a 

piece like that! Making love to the supervisor before us all! Very bold and 

unladylike, don't you think so, Hannah? 
Hannah. I don't keer who she makes love to, if she lets Hank be. She can't 

flirt with my beau. 
Mrs. Smythe. It is incomprehensitive to me how any spinster could so de- 
mean and lower her modest humilertie by writing such a piece of doggerel 

as that. I wouldn't. 
Mr. Ransome. Good reason why. Takes brains. But I'd a gin him suthin' 

besides weeds, ef I'd a ben her. 
Mrs. O'Donnell. Sure, an' 'twas a pretty little pace, I do be thinkin', an' 

the posies was pretty, too, an' so was the little colleen who gave 'em. If 

only I'd a-known, I'd have give her a bit av shamrock to put wid 'em, for 

good luck. 
Mr. Benway. Next on the program is a song by Master Dandelion Blossom, 

entitled, (give title of song chosen. Any good darky song, either a coon song 

of the day, or an old one, like "Old Uncle Ned.") 
(Dan comes out, bows, and sings. He should be able to do it well.) 
Mrs. Blossom. Law! Dat boy's got de music right in him. (They may 
encore Dan, in which case he will give a darky dance. If he and Calla Lilly can 
do the cake walk, it toill be good to have them do so. In that case, have Mr. Ran- 
some call for it, at the end of Dan's dance.) 



20 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Mrs. Blossom. Dem chilluns o' mine got de jingle in dere heels an' toei, as 

well as in dere haids. 
Hank. Right smart little pickaninnies they be, Auntie, for sartin. 
Mr. Benway. Next is a drill by six little girls, conducted by Miss Evalina 

Margarita Gwendolyn Smythe. 

(Ellowina, Calla Lib/, Nora, Katrinka, Polly and Lyddy Jane come out. Evalina 
goes to a corner, and brings out six flags. She gives one to each girl. She standi* 
at one side, and gives the commands. The drill will be more amusing if they do 
not keep together, but prettier if they do.) 

Flag Drill. 

"Persition." Flag in right hand, held toward left. 

"Salute." Step forward with right foot, raise flag high to right. 

"Wave." Wave high to left, back to right, four times. 

"Overhead." Hold flags high overhead. 

"Wave." Wave in a circle overhead four limes. 

" Down." Bring light hand out straight from shoulder. 

"Wave." Wave flag in that position four times. 

"Up." Raise flag. 

"March." March in circle around Evalina, xoho steps forward. 

"Line." Form line again. 

"Cross." Cross flags in pairs. 

"Raise." Raise them in this position. 

"Persition." As at first. 

".Salute." As before. 

"Arch." Two tallest hold flags high, to meet. Others march under, around, 

under again, and next two put up flags in front of first two. Two 
smallest ones march through, around, under, and put up flags 
in front. 

"Circle." March in circle, flags held high, in point toward center. 

"Line." Form line as before. 

"Recite." All recite: 

I pledge my heart, 1 I pledge my hand, 2 
To this, 3 my own, my native 4 land. 

Motions. 1, place flag over heart. 2, hold out left hand and touch with flag. 
3, hold flag out. 4, wave flag about shoiddej high.) 

"Sing." All sing: 

"Three cheers for the red, white and blue, 
Three cheers for the red, white and blue! 
The army and navy forever! 
Three cheers for the red, white and blue! 

(While singing first line, wave flag, breast high; during second line, wave it high; 
during third line, wave it in circle over head; during fourth line, hold it high in 
right hand, not waving, and gaze upward at it.) 

"Deliver." Evalina again steps forward, the children march around her in 
circle, waving flags, then around again, each passing her flag 
to Evalina, and going on to her seat. Evalina replaces flags, 
and returns to seat. 

{In reciting, and singing, have Nora, Katrinka and Calla Lily each remember 
their particular dialect. Lyddy Jane must lisp. 
Mrs. Van Hummel. Und dot vos der brettiest ting I efer zaw. 
Mrs. Smythe. Drills are all the rage in the city. My Evalina trained them 
herself. She has remarkable and unusual talent for one so young in years. 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 21 

Mrs. West. Yes, it seemed quite like New York. 

Mr. Benway. Pretty good, pretty good, I call it. Next is a recitation by 
Miss Mehitable Mercy Matilda Jones, entitled: {give title of piece chosen. 
Hilly should recite well — some piece in country dialect preferred.) 

Mr. Benway. Pretty good, pretty good. Shows the excellent taste and 
careful drilling of your teacher. Next is an oration by Master Josiah Joel 
Joseph Jones — entitled "Shall Women Vote?" This gives the masculine 
view of the question, while the comporsition to follow will give the feminine 
side. Now, Joe. 

Joe. {He should "orate" with fervor, and many awkward gestures.) 
Ladies and gentlemans, friends, Romans and kentrymen, and you city ladies, 
too, listen unto ma, and lend me your ears for a short space of time. I 
come to present unto you the one and only sensible side of the question: 
Shall the wimmen folkses vote? Of course, the answer is "No." Right you 
are, my fellowmen. Wimmen must not vote. I repeat it, they must not. 
Why, if wimmen git to votin', they will want to boss the kentry, jest as 
they now boss, each her own man, making him clean his feet before he walks 
over her newly washed kitchen floor. She will want to keep the kentry 
clean, and to keep politics clean, and what a nuisance that will be! She 
will want to do away with liquor — do away with it! Give her the vote, 
and you won't be able to draw a pitcher of cider and git comfortably full 
at your own fireside. She will haste off to the polls at election time, instead 
of staying to home and tending the barn and gitting up a hot supper aginst 
the time you git home from the arduously hard task of governing this ere 
nation. Why, just think of taking your wife to town meeting! She'd 
kick at smoking and kick at spitting your tobacker juice on the floor, and 
she'd make you set still and listen to the speakers when you wanted to be 
swapping jack knives or trading cows, and she'd raise the roof if sha saw 
you pccket a little present from the man you voted for. She'd want to 
throw away a heap of good town money improving the schools and improving 
the roads, and then she'd want to improve the men folks. She's run for 
office, and we all know that there ain't near enough offices now for all the 
men what want them, and we don't want any wimmen folks a-crowding 
of us out; 'n the first thing we knowed she'd pass a law that she should 
share equally in h^r husband's money! I know what course we menfolks 
oughter choose, and as for me, give me liberty to go to town meeting with- 
out being tagged and nagged by a woman, or give me — no, I mean give her, 
death! Make it a punishable crime for her to ask for the vote. I know not 
if you all agree with me, but you do if your brains are in good working order. 
We men must unite. Woman is down in the dust at our feet, and we must 
keep her there, or no more will we be the lords of creation, but a meek, hen- 
pecked lot, washing the dishes and tending the baby while our wives gather 
all the graft. Sink or swim, live or die, sick or well, I give my right hand 
and heart to this vote. Wimmen must not vote! They shall not. Never, 
never, never! And to that every man in the kentry should answer "amen! " 

{The men clap and stamp noisily.) 

Hank. Good fer you, Joe! You'll be a stump speaker, yet. 

Mr. Ransome. That was an oration to be proud of, Joe. 

Mr. Benway. Pretty good, pretty good. We will now listen to the other 
side of the question, presented by Miss Dorcas Ann Ransome, in a home- 
made comporsition, written by herself and entitled, "Wimmen's Rights." 
Miss Dorcas! 

{Dorcas comes out, composition in hand, bows in an offhand way and begins.) 



22 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Fair ladies and would-be citizens: This callow youth before us says we should 
not be granted the vote, because we would make the country better! That 
isn't the way he said it, but it's what he means, or rather what his words 
mean, which isn't quite the same. Now when a woman sets her heart on a 
thing, she gets it. We have set our heart on the vote, and we're a-goin' to 
vote, and when we do vote, we'll have our rights. We'll have the right to be 
President, and we'll have a right to jine the masonses, if we want to, and 
we shall want to, just to find out their old secrets! We'll have a right to 
have something more than a calico dress to cover our backs, and a gingham 
sunbonnet, made out of pieces from the scrapbag, to cover our heads, those 
heads wherein repose the best brains of the nation ! Yes, we will be able 
to buy a pair of shoestrings without first cooking up a big dinner to make 
the menfolks good natured so we can ask them for a penny without hearing 
"Where's the penny I gin ye last week gone ter?" We'll have something 
to read besides the Farmer's Almanac, and something to write a letter on 
besides a bit of brown wrapping paper. We'll have for sech things the money 
now flung recklessly away for terbaccer and rum. Yes ; and cider, Joe 
Jones! We'll fill the offices and the legislature with the bright lights of the 
female sect, and let the men try a turn at tending young ones and cooking 
dinner. You may struggle and beat your wings all you please, but this is 
a fact. The women air a-going to vote! 

{Women clap their hands noisily.) 

Mr. Bascom. Thet's a powerful smart compersishing, Dorcas Ann, but don't 
you believe yerself. You'll never get it. 

Dorcas Ann. You wait and see, Grandsir. We be a goin' to vote. 

Miss Ketchum. Yes, we be, Reuben, sure as preachin'. 

Mrs. Smythe. And then we shall take unto ourselves all man's especial 
privileges, including that of proposing matterrimony where our hearts' 
arrows points. 

Mr. Ransome. Heaven help the poor men then. Go on quick, Jake, before 
three or four of 'em propose to you. 

Mr. Benway. We will now listen to a recitation by Miss Honora Bridget 
Mary O'Donnell, entitled "Three Little Bugs in a Basket." 

(Nora hangs her head, but doesn't leave her seat.) 

Terry. (In a stage whisper.) Go long wid ye, Nora. (Nora shakes head.) 

Mrs. O'Donnell. Go out and shpake yer piece, Nora darlint. Go long wid 
yer, now. (Nora goes out, hangs head, fidgets with her apron.) 

Miss P. Begin, Nora. 

Nora. Three little bugs in a basket and hardly room for two, 

And wan was yeller and wan was black and wan loike me or you. 
And all were selfish in their hearts the same as me or you. 

(She says it very fast and low.) 

Miss P. Louder. 

Nora. (Very loudly and fast.) Shure, the biggest wan ov thim, he kilt the 

others intirely and gobbled thim up, bad 'cess to him! 
Miss P. No, no, Nora. Begin again, and say it loud and slow. (Nora 

hangs head.) 
Mrs. O'Donnell. Sure, and the colleen's bashful. Sing fer 'em, Nora mavourn- 

een! Ye're never bashful whin ye sing. Sing "Rory O'More." 
Mr. Benway. Yes, Sing, little girl, if you'd rather. 

(Nora sings "Rory O'More" or some other Irish song, in dialect. She should 
sing well, with no signs of bashfulness.) 



The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 23 

Mr. Benway. Pretty good, pretty good. Last on the programme is a little 
speech by Miss Ellowina Roberta Evangeline Smythe, written for the 
occasion by her mother. 

Mr. Ransome. Gosh all hemlock, must we listen to words and words thet 
don't mean nothin'? 

(Ellowina advances, with a package in her hand, and makes an elaborate bow, 
first to Mr. Benway, then to the teacher, last, to the audience.) 

Ellowina. Mr. Supervisor — beloved teacher — respected parients and friends — 
we are gathered together today on the auspicuous occasion of the latter 
end of this semester of the school year, to show you how much we have 
advanced in our scholastic studies and gymnastics, and exhibit our amazing 
skill and docility in rehearsing for you our orations, recitations, exhortations, 
compersishins, exhibishings, and musical operations. We are glad to spread 
before you the result of this term's hard work and application, and show 
you how extremely well our teacher has trained the young idea to shoot. 
We hope you are pleased with what we have done to entertain and instruct 
you, and that you realize how much our new teacher has done to improve 
the manners, morals and etiketty of this district. To you, our respected 
supervisor, we tender our heartfelt thanks for the interest in us that has 
brought you, a frequented visitor, to these halls and of intellectual learn- 
ing. We hope you are pleased with us, and with our parients, who have 
seen that we attend punctually and regularly. To you, our beloved 
teacher: We thank you for your kind, thoughtful, tender, patient training. 
We are despondently sad to hear that this term, your first, is also to be your 
last, and we ask you to accept this little gift in token of our appreciation, 
as you go from among us to a new district, more cityfied, it may be. In 
the name of all your pupils, I now present you this brush and comb, and 
look — no, mirror. (Steps forward and presents it irith elaborate bow. 

Miss P. I thank you all, and assure you I am much pleased with your gift. 
Our Supervisor will now say a few words, and then we will end by singing 
by the school. 

Mr. Benway. I am pleased to see what an interest you take in this school, 
and in the faithful teacher. I never saw a better one, and would be as 
sorry as you be, that she has resigned her task, were it not for the fact that 
she resigns to become my bride. We hereby invite you all to the wedding 
next Wednesday evening at eight. 

Miss Ketchum. Well, of all the sly pusses! I shan't go! 

Mrs. Smythe. I shall sue for injuries to the affections. I thought he cared 

for me. He led me to believe it, and this sly minx has taken him away. 

Ellowina, you take back that toilet set! 

Terry. She'll lave it me! It's for the tacher, bliss her heart! 

Mrs. O'Donnell. And it's glad I am that he had sinse enough to choose him 

a young gurrul instid of a highflyin' widdy wid three childher, and a mouth 

full av big wurruds. 

Mrs. Van Hummel. Und she didn't gaught him aretty yet. Maybe she vos 
zorry dot her leedle gurl gif der present, but ve all hellup to buy it, und 
she vos keep it, aretty zum. 

Mrs. Blossom. Dat she shell. Bress her heart, she bin jes' as good to my 
pickaninies as ef dey war white. 

Mrs. Smythe. Poor taste, I call that. And to think that I've sent my 
children to that designing old maid. She's forty, if she's a day. 



24 The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. 

Hannah. Some others are older than they pretend to be. Better let Ever- 
leeny's skirts down a peg. For my part, I'm glad to hear it. 

Hank. You needn't a worried, Harnar. She wouldn't look at me. 

Mrs. O'Donnell. Sure, an' we're all a-fergiting our manners. We must 
congratulate thim. 

Mr. Ransome. Good luck to ye, Jake. She's a beaut — but keep yer hands 
on yer wallet. She's a woman. 

Mrs. Smythe. She's an old cat! I hope the bank breaks. Come, children, 
we're going home. 

(She siveeps down and collects her children, and passes out. The others crowd 
down to congratulate the pair, who stand together to receive them.) 

Terry. Three rousin' big cheers fqr the pritty tacher, bliss her heart! 

(Children cheer, as curtain falls.) 

CURTAIN. 



New York 



TULLAR- MEREDITH CO. 



Chicago 




POPULAR ENTERTAINMENTS 

THE RAG SOCIABLE. A quaint old fashioned entertainment which is always sure to 
please. Libretto by Edith S. Tillotson. Music by various Composers. The dialog is very 
spicy and interesting, and humor and pathos are beautifully blended in the various musical 
selections. The characters include Mrs. Winters and her two daughters Betsy and Maria, 
Miss Jemima Rush, Mrs. Bassett, Mrs. Collins, Mrs. Salina Grey, the Allen twins (elderly), 
Mrs. Martha Ann Hall, Miss Eliza Hall, Mrs. Jane Tompkins and Amanita Tompkins. The 
jist of characters may be extended ad. lib. to meet local conditions. 

A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls. Ladies' Aid, Christian Endeavor and 
Epworth League Societies, etc. Price. 25 cents per copy. 

LOVE FINDS THE WAY, or The Detective That Father Hired. Music by Chas. H 
Gabriel. Words by Rev. Wm. Danforth, author of "The Old District School," etc. A 
highly amusing farcical song-skit, with four characters: A Determined Young Lover, 
an Irate Father, a Daughter with a Will of Her Own, and an Aiding and Abetting Mother- 
parts: tenor, basso, soprano and alto. 

This composition consists of singing and dialog for each part and will serve to enliven any 
entertainment. The music is moderately easy, melodious and should be available in 
practically all communities. This work consists of some 12 pages in sheet music form. 
The story is as follows: A father, who objects to his daughter having a beau, believing that she is planning to elope 
with an unknown young man, advertises for a detective to ferret the matter out. The young lover answers the ad ■ 
vertisement, and Lie father hires him to detect the culprit, promising to pay him "anything within reason." When 
the young lover's true identity is disclosed, he demands as his reward, for having detected himself, the hand of the 
daughter. The irate father objects. The daughter eventually convinces him that true love was the real detective in 
the case, and the parental consent is given. Price, $1.50; 50 per cent discount. 

THE OLD DISTRICT SCHOOL. A farce In two acts (new version). Book by Wm. Danforth. Music arr. by Geo. F. 
Rosche. This is a burlesque on the district school of 100 years ago. Ezekiel Simpkins, the teacher, is the central char- 
acter. His costume is a tight Prince Albert coat, with brass buttons, or a worn and faded "claw-hammer" coat, colored 
vest cut low; stock collar, with large black tie; trousers, "high-water," with a patch of other color on one knee; well- 
worn shoes. Bald gray wig and "side" whiskers. The costumes of the pupils are in keeping with those of the teacher. 
The characters all read their lines from the book, so that there is yery little to be memorized and for this reason this 
work can be prepared in a very short time. Price, postpaid, 50 cents per copy. 

THE CHAPERON. A humorous Operetta In three Acts. Libretto by Wm. Danforth. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. 
"The Chaperon" is a humorous operetta designed for church choir and young people's societies. It will be found avail- 
able in all communities in which seven young men and seven young ladies who sing can be found. The music is bright, 
tuneful, easy to learn and easy to remember. The dialogue is witty, clean, wholesome and entertaining. Price, post- 
paid, 60 cents per copy. 

THE VISION OF HENSEL. An evening with the old songs. The old songs of child- 
hood, youth, love, war and home. Libretto by Elian N. Wood. There is no friend like 
an old friend and after all there are no songs we love quite so much as the old ones. 
This cantata furnishes a beautiful medium for the introduction of the old songs which 
we all know and love. There is just enough libretto to the work to form a continuous 
chain of thought throughout, and we know of no cantata that will afford such a pleasing 
entertainment at such a small expenditure of labor. The book is well worth its price if 
only to secure this fine collection of old home songs. Full of sentiment, humor and 
pathos and decidedly new and fresh in construction. Price, 30 cents per copy, postpaid; 
$3.00 per dozen, not prepaid; add 3 cents per copy for postage. 



THE SPINSTERS' CLUB. A humorous operetta In two acts. Libretto by Harriet D. 
Castle. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. "The Spinsters' Club" is a humorous operetta 
designed for church choirs and young people's societies. It will be found available in 
all communities in which a church choir is found. The music is bright, tuneful, and 
yet easy to learn and memorize. The dialogue is witty, pleasing and entertaining. 
°-ice, postpaid 60 cents per copy. 

A returnable sample copy of any of the above mailed on receipt of 3 cents for postage; to be 
returned postpaid or paid for in Thirty days. 



FHE VISION 
OF HENSEL 



teezzzszyzvaw 



ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS 

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE. Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This is a particularly fine produc- 
tion and lends itself admirably for a twelve-minute addition to an evening's entertainment in the church or hall. The 
instructions are very clear so that this pantomime may be prepared by anyone with ordinary talent or ability. The 
fourteen full figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help. 

The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed voices; also an original quartet for voices of 
women and an original setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto by J. S.Fearis, thus furnish- 
ing a variety of music found in no other publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. "Not sent on examination." 

IT CANE UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR. Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denlg. This pantomime will 
be particuarly interesting during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or other entertainments. 
The directions are very elaborate, enabling any person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete, 
consisting of a hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for voices of both women and men: also a very fine duet 
soprano and alto; the latter by Chat. H. GabrioL Price. 40 cents per copy postpaid. "Not sent on examination.'' 



New York 



TULLAR-MEREDITH CO 



C h I e • «o 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 





016 103 808 8 



By Elizabeth F. Guptill 
The School at Mud Hoiiow. A burlesque 
Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cc 
PART I. In which is portrayed the diffieultu 
Pinkham, who has come to "Mud Hollo 
duties of "Teacher" in the school. In selecting mm 
change from the city life she is accustomed to, and finds plenty of it in the 
manners, customs and dialect of the pupils. From start to finish there is 
nothing but fun. 

PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud 
parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class by the 
Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the pupils. Part 
II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the finest fun possible. 
"The School at Mud Hollow" may be given in one evening, but for those 
who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or to give only one part, we 

offer the same work announced below under the title of "The New Teacher at Mud Hollow 

School" and "The Last Day at Mud Hollow School" either of which can be given as a 

complete entertainment without regard to the other one. 

The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School. Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 

6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. 

The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 

8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. 

Santa's Rescue 

Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children, one 
being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the in- 
scription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by placing 
the papers together they have the message that the "Old Witch" of the 
North has captured "Santa" and holds him in an ice prison at the North Pole. 
Of course there could be no "Merry Christmas" without their "patron saint", 
so guided by the "Fairy Godmother" they start for the North Pole to rescue 
him. The "Old Witch" endeavors to block the rescuers' way by the as- 
sistance of "Old Zero" and the "Snow Fairies" but when they learn that 
the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid in keeping "Santa" from his 
usual Christmas activities they get the "Sunbeam Fairies" to come to their 
aid and melt the snow, while they bind with a frozen cord the "Old Witdh," 
who is found indulging in a nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the "Old 
Witch" powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter. 
Tho' belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the children are glad to become 
his "aides" in spreading a "Merry Christmas" through all the world. This is a very clever plot, 
well worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4 Boys and 5 Girls with 
any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. 





FARCES 



Taking the Census. Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience 
in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs. 
Almira Johnson, a "cullud lady," and her young son Alexander. Three 
characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents. 

Answering the Phone. Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most try- 
ing experience with Nora Flanagan, the new "hired girl," who in their 
absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special reference 
to "answering the phone." The final situation in which Nora makes a date 
with Miss Courtney's "intended" is ridiculous in the extreme. 3 females. 
Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents. 

The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister. They have a 

delightful time telling family secrets to the "New Minister," who has 

called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their mother 

to find out from her if she is "In," for so often she is "Out" when she is "In" and "In" when she 

is "Out" 2 Males and 1 Female. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents. 

NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT "ON EXAMINATION" 



